Playing With Fire

If its not you that burnt, then it’s someone around you

I have been seeking validation since my last bad experience. I always think I am worth but others don’t seem to think like that, so I need reassurance on everything. I know this is stupid, but once you experienced hundred of those sharp eyes lurking and stripped you down from head to toe, you will be so hard to believe that you are not in the wrong. You will lose your confidence and you will lose your daring personality to talk to others and having anxiety when you want to talk to the same crowd.

Afeksi dan atensi. Dua hal itu, entah bagaimana, mengurangi rasa cemas dan juga takut yang aku rasakan. And I know I need those. If there is a pharmacy that sells them in the form of a tablet, I will buy them to the last stock. Untuk mendapatkan afeksi dan atensi you don’t need to be in a relationship. It could come from strangers, online friends, real friends and family. Pengakuan dan perhatian yang meyakinkan bahwa apa yang aku lakukan benar dan aku tidak bersalah untuk jadi diriku sendiri, I am craving for these.

Afeksi, rasa kasih sayang. Merasa dicintai. Tanpa sadar ketika kita tau bahwa kita dicintai, we feel more powerful and confident. We can do whatever we want because we know for sure, people will support us and stand by us no matter what. Perhatian, atensi, this will help you to feel that you are not alone. Having someone that cares about you is a blessing. You will never gonna be alone during your journey getting through the ups and downs, and it strengthens you.

Tapi seperti petuah “jangan bermain dengan api kalau tidak mau terbakar”, afeksi dan atensi ibarat api. Menghangatkan jika ukurannya pas, bikin gerah jika terlalu banyak, membunuh jika berlebihan. I come to the point where I don’t mind where these two medicines come from. I just need to swallow them and be okay. I started something stupid, talked to online strangers and be close. I get overwhelmed when I don’t have their texts or calls. I knew this is wrong, then I stop. I realize this is not how I am supposed to be. My feelings are my responsibility, it should not depend on how others tell me how I am doing. This could happen because I don’t understand myself deep enough and keep on believing what others told me. Right now, I am learning to understand myself, giving so much love to me, because I am the best deal people could get.

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